The time in life we learn to express ourselves, is the precise time we learn to hide them.... till then we are just bawling babies throwing up food if we don’t like it, bt the moment we learn the appropriate words ‘i don’t like what you have cooked’, is when we are taught...’you should never tell aunty that the food was bad, its not good manners’....and so it starts.... atleast thats when it started for me...i went all through age 3 to 6 smiling at bigger kids who bullied the hell out of me..trying in vain to get them to like me so that i would get a running part to play in the game, from 7 to 12, pretending to be girly when all i wanted was to climb trees, from 13 to 20, trying to act smart so that the ‘guy’ wouldn’t know i had a crush on him (one single guy, 8 yrs, long time pretending huh), and 20 to almost 23 trying to behave like a grown up when i know for a fact i am not.
It was somewhere between these years that i realised that if i really wanted to be happy, i should only be with people who understood me in totality instead of having half baked relationships with a score of people.... and so here i am with 4 people in the world who matter the most to me....there are a million others, but if the world were to end tomorrow, these are the 4 i would like to see with me. My parents, my bro and my best friend. But am i happy? All these years, have i truly conveyed to them what they really mean to me? I did at first...but then things got left halfway.... although they know what they mean to me (hopefully) and what i would do for them, there are so many things that i wanna tell them and i don’t... because i am scared...of being misunderstood, of the feeling not being reciprocated, of not being taken seriously...
Dad has always been a picture of a shorter version of Amrish Puri for me, and to think of dad and feelings in one breath was....well i don’t know, cos i never have. He was always the strict, rigid, disciplined man who i gotta obey. But he’s getting old now. He’s mellowing down. Although he finds it impossible to convey feelings to anybody in this planet, being a close replica of him, i can feel the palpable feelings boiling inside him...but its too late now. I know how uncomfortable it will get for him if i suddenly go over and give him a hug...but he needs it. I know it, he knows it. I know it cos he hates it when mom wakes me up and not him, i know it cos he calls me for absolutely no reason at all,i know it cos the man who never left home a minute after 9 every morning now waits till 9-15 because thats when i will be online....well these are things all dad’s do. But my dad thinks i don’t know it.. and he will continue thinking that...cos i never will have the guts to tel him..that i not only know why he was strict when i was small, but that i love him more for it.
Bhaiya is the most awsumest person in this whole wide world. To find a guy more sensitive, intelligent, dutiful, loving...and all at the same time is bloody impossible. But lately, say for a year and half, he has turned into this smug ball of moods...he has his good days and his bad days... and he generally has bad days more than good days. But its all justified...any other guy in his place would just have had the bad days, would have probably cracked up with the amount of pressure and concern that he has. When i see him upset, sad and lonely, all i want to do is hold him and assure him that its going to be alright. That i will be there with him even if things go worse, that all my endeavours and my feeble attempts at success are done with the memory of his trust and faith in me and that my biggest failure would be if i ever let him down. That you are the most manly man for me in this world, and if if theres anyone who has the power to convince me to do something i don’t wanna do its him, and that every day i try to be a better person cos i have to be worthy of being his sister....
The third ‘man’ in m life is my best friend, my doggy and just writing that word brings a smile on my face. He is my confidante, my conscience, the only person who knows all the bad stuff(i mean ALL) about me and loves me nevertheless. he is the only non-family entity of my life for whom i would do anything. No, hes nt worth it. Hes a jerk. A fathead who doesn’t deserve my affection...but i give it to him. Not because i have to, but because i don’t have a choice. Over the years, some rocky, some not so rocky, i have realised that i love him not because hes my best pal, bt because i don’t know how nt to like someone whos so good and kind and upright and well....awesome. he doesn’t know i think so, he thinks i feel he is an ass, which he so pretends to be, but doggy, if ders anyone i have never failed to read its you...and maybe the next time i say this i will be drunk but u r d best. i just got to accept this...wen u gt thru screening i ws so happy i didn’t even think about the fact that i did not, nd even today, if you can achieve what you want to in ur career, i will be happier than if i achieve it myself. even when i wasnt with you...u were the only friend i had.
So there u go....most probs i wont even tell them abt dis blog...surely not dad, maybe bhaiya...maybe my frnd....bt maybe....one day they will know by some magical interference that not only do i love them, i cant imagine life without them....
