remorse

oh he just didnt give me a rest.that irritating dog,skinny small,white with brown patches,hungry whenever i see him,always below the chairs in the college canten...he went to the extent of following me the whole time i went around all the possible roads,subroads and alleys i could get hold of in my college.the puppy who gets me all nervous,with his undawnting guts...i mean which puppy stands up after being beateb with a rod and follows the one who beat him....thats a first isnt it?all the past three weeks or so,its been a highly disturbing canteen visit.
but now the puppy is gonna die.i can see it.its still hungry.still looking for people to follow...maybe it has given up on me,dismissed me as one of those many heartless souls who dont give a damn about the world as long as i get my share of food.and i suddenly find myself wanting to reach out to him, wanting to control my "puppy fear" and keep it safe from an eternal slumber.i know i cant do it.i know its easy to feel sorry when someone is at the end, its easy to say...."i wish i could"...
how many times have we done this in our teen lifetime? be it an exam,be it an affair worth forgetting...how many times do we regret having not done an act, not said a sentence, not slapped a moron,not kissed a lover,not apologised to mom?how many times do we go with relief when the damage is done and gone and theres no sign of the damge anywhere. how many times do we keep posponing all that needs to be done in the name of fear, hesitance, doubt, carelessness....i can tell a hundred such incidents from my recent past,forget the rest. i still have to make it up with my brother whos gone to an uneasy sleep with the memory that we fought few hours back...i can easily call him now,but i wont cos i know he's sleeping an thats nothing but a lame excuse for me...cos the real reason is i am afraid ill hurt him again.
is it that we dont want to? no we do.all of us.even the ones wh seem to be like devil personified.yeah he too!hes just scared he'll lose his devil image.the boss you swear you could kill is scared of damaging his holy crown named "ego",the guy next door is scraed he'll let too much of soft emotion come out...all of this...is exactly what the others want us to do.shed that preconcieved notion of our so smart selves and get bak to what we are...erring humans, forgiving divines. cos that is what makes life so smooth,when we say what we want to without thinking about our image.when we give more importance to our conscience rather than our bank balance.when we feed the puppy when it comes to us,instead of thinking what it will do if it climbs up on me...for gods sake...he doesnt even have teeth...
maybe i will call my brother after all.....

maybe